Disclaimer(kinda): All opinions expressed are the sole perspective of the little fat black girl. Every person is different and this blog is not an indictment of all men(or women). It’s simply a perspective based upon personal experience. Also, although these examples generally use the masculine pronoun (he) they can be applied to women also. Enjoy and apply gently to your own life–if it applies.

The Useler

**(a user and a looser)**

Common things he will say:

“Is there any way you can help me out (financially) until…?”

Things you are most like to say to the The Useler:

“Why am I always paying for everything?”

Feelings you will have while dating the UseLer:

I feel Like I’m being taken advantage of. It’s like he needs ME to stand on his own two feet. Are I with an adult or a child?

General Description:

Note: These guys tend to prey on single moms—particularly those who receive some sort of public assistance—which equates to a free ride for him.

The Useler is one who always seems to know how to get his foot in the door to do a lot of damage by using, taking, manipulating and riding your back for all it’s worth.

The Usler often seems charming when you first meet them—they know what to say to you to bring a smile to your face, they complement you, call when they say they are going to call, and follow through on every commitment every other man has broken.

You feel that maybe you have finally met “the one”—well, okay, so he doesn’t have a car. Okay, yeah he lives with his mom/ roommate/sister/friend—but that’s just because he is looking for a better place. And he did have a job—when you met him, but now he lost that job (one to two weeks or so after he met you), and can’t seem to find another one that will pay him what “he’s worth”. That’s were you come in…

In the meantime, he has you to take him places (or he may have a car, but “do you have some gas money?”), pay for dinner (he’ll catch the next one), take over half his part of the rent/utilities (yes, you let him move in—you guys needed your privacy, right? Or did he come over, and then just never left?), pay the bill/dept or simply just pick up a pack of cigarettes.

My Personal Experience with a Useler:

Speaking of Cigarettes, that was the red flag for me. I had met a pretty nice looking guy at a club when I was in college. He pursued me more than any man I had met before. He hung out with me the entire night and told me how much he wanted to see me again at the end of the evening. He even called me that night to see if I made it home safely.

The next weekend I went to visit him at his house, which he said he shared with his sister. I ended up staying over! Well, around 1:00am his sister bursts into the room to remind him that no women are allowed to stay over in HER house (so I guess they weren’t roommates, he was a boarder). He ended up coming back to my place (his sister was too hostile for him to stay there that night, of course!)

In the morning, when I was getting dressed to go to school—he was just going to stay and hang out in my place until I got home and drove him back to his place—his sister’s place–he asked, “Hey, while you’re out, can you pick me up a pack of cigarettes?”

I looked back at him, lounging on my couch already making himself comfortable.

“Sure,” I said.

I was already making a commitment to drop him off today and put a period behind this budding relationship. Which I did. After returning from school I promptly dropped him off at his front door. As he walked away, I saw him open my goodbye gift to him—a new package of cigarettes.

Instead: **Date a Man Who Gives What he gets.**

You shouldn’t expect a man to pay for and take care of everything (we are living in the year 2014, after all!) but you should expect for him to carry his own weight, and offer to pay more often than he doesn’t. You should feel like you’re in a balanced relationship—sometimes you’re paying and balancing the weight—other times he’s doing it. But you should feel like you have a partnership—one of give, take and negotiation for both of you.

Your Affirmation:

I can expect a man to have whatever I have. I have a car—he should have a car (it doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to move). I have my own home—he should have his own home (or at least if he is staying with someone, he is carrying his own side of the bills). I have a job—he should have a job– and be able to keep one.

If he’s missing one of these attachments, that may be okay, but it it’s more than that, I will drop him off on the curb where I picked him up!