dating
Deep Fat Thought/ 33
To make changes in your life you have to let go of old patterns.
abundantbodycoach.com (taken from google images)
The Chubby Chaser—Who is He and is He good for the Big Girl?
The Chubby Chaser
Who is He, and is He good for You?
The Hook: You saw his ad online that read: Looking for Love. Big Girls Only!
The Line: So, it’s the first date. He looks at you over a salty margarita and says. You are so hot; I love fat girls.
The Sinker: You’ve been dating for a while and he smiles at you affectionately and says with a come hither look in his eye—“Get your big ass over here”.
Caught!: He’s watching the football game. From the living room couch, he calls over to you in the kitchen making dinner, “Hey, big mama? Can you bring me a beer?”
As you contemplate each of the scenarios above, what is your first impression? Excited, flattered, pleased, neutral, confused, angered, enraged? Which of these scenarios above would you be okay with your partner saying to you—if any?
Something Smells Fishy…
All of these scenarios are examples of a relationship with a Chubby Chaser? A what– you ask? A Chubby Chaser. A chubby chaser is a self-described lover of large-sized women. He (or she) professes a particular attraction to large size women, they purposely search out large sized women, and if you were to search their dating background, the bulk of their dating pool probably would include a list of previous relationships with large-sized women. In same-sex relationships between men a larger size man may be referred to as “Bear”.
A Chubby Chaser at first analysis is a good thing—a man or woman who is attracted to larger sized women (or men) who finds them desirable, lovable and well…preferable to smaller sized people. It’s actually a novel feeling—to not be the afterthought, the second choice, the settled for.
Many a large-sized woman are flattered by the idea that a guy is attracted to her bountiful form—without any caveats, and move forward full steam ahead. But, wait a minute. It’s important to do a little investigation into the motives of a “chubby chaser” before you are ready to go all in.
First, let’s examine the words used to “identify” large sized women and the men who are attracted to them—Chubby Chaser.
Chubby Chaser Stop Focusing on My Body! My Mind is Up Here!
So I’m not a fan of this term, even though I’m using it in the title of this blog post, for the purposes of familiarity. However I was very disturbed by the language and images that were attached to this term during my research. Many searches were accompanied by fetish-like words and images. And for some reason there was of predominance of fishing tackle and lure–which kind of fascinated me—which influenced my fishing references throughout this post.
Chubby…
So, that being said, let’s dissect the term—Chubby Chaser. Your first reaction would depend on whether you like the term chubby or not. I’m not a fan. The word reminds me of the times when I was 12 years old and I had to go to the chubby section or the “pretty plus” section of the girls section. I remember having to walk by all of the “cute” clothes in the girls section until I got to the chubby section—a tiny section set aside for the big little girls, usually stuck in the corner with poor lighting–it was like trying to find an abandoned island. That’s what Chubby feels like to me in the context of romance– other, different, not quite up to standard, tucked in the corner, out-of-the-way of the light. It doesn’t quite carry the pride that I have come to expect from my list of body monikers—large sized, bountiful, abundant, or simply beautiful will do. Now, the “chaser” is also problematic for me. Chaser denotes an ulterior motive. I don’t know that “chasing” of any kind brings up thoughts of love and affection for me—more like an instinct to flee. It prompts me to ask—what are they chasing me for and what do they intend to do when they catch me. I could be reading too much into the term, but the term “chubby chaser” leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth—not like comfort food at all, and I really like comfort food.
Chaser…
The other problem with Chubby Chaser is that it has come to represent a man who chasing—for some strange reason in people’s minds—large-sized women. Wow—why would any man desire a woman like that, right? She’s like a freak and he’s a freak lover. It insinuates something weird, odd or off kilter—not at all like the normal patterns of love and attraction. At least that’s what I think people think, but I could be wrong. In addition if you search the term Chubby Chaser online it has become a sort of fetish—lots of images of people standing around large sized women (and men) as if they are showing off a prize for the Biggest Catch. These types of fetish pursuers may engage in harmful practices such as objectification and feederism, in which they encourage the large-sized person to eat more and more so that they can ensure they stay large. If the large-sized person looses weight they may be discouraged, maligned, or abandoned. It seems to more about the glory of being a part of some sort of club than about authentically engaging with another human being , who has thoughts, feelings, personality—not just a big body. The term Chubby Chaser is problematic for the above reasons, but there are others that are worse—Fat Chick Lover (sounds like a 70’s porno title), and Fat Fetish, which is a form of porno.
And if you Catch Me…What’s the Catch?
Okay, so setting the words aside, how do you know that the person you are considering spending more time with is in it, and into you, for the right reasons?
Unfortunately, there are some who desire and prefer large size women for the wrong, and even hurtful reasons. Some men assume that a large 
woman will have lower self-esteem and therefore put up with more from an undesirable man—you know pay his bills, settle for his verbal or physical abuse, take care of him—and other examples of manipulation within a relationship. In some cases that is true. Some larger sized women have not gotten to the point of having the body love that they deserve. They are still surprised when a man is attracted to them and wants them. When she gets that attention from that special guy, immediately the fantasies of “happily ever after” come to mind.
I had an experience with a man who didn’t have the best intentions in his proclaimed love for big girls. He was a large, muscular man—so I have to admit I was a little enraptured by his physical presence myself. And I was very flattered when he made it known during every conversation we had that he had a thing for “big girls”. But in the midst of my fascination with him, he would say things that let me know his motives were not “pure”. I remember one story he told that disturbed me. He talked about having an argument with a previous girlfriend– who was large. During an argument, she had made a comment he didn’t like and as a result, he said he put his foot on her butt and “kicked her big ass out”. I should have run when he told me that story, but I stuck in for a couple of weeks, only to have to pay for his dinner and mine (not that I have a problem paying but, he had invited me out) and during a repeat performance, he invited me to a beach and then proceeded to pay his own way without bothering to make sure I was safely entered and then ignored me for the rest of our sea-side visit as he leered at other women—bi g girls—passing by. When I asked him about his behavior, he repeated the now familiar mantra—“ I told you I liked big girls! Do you expect me not to look at them? I got it after that and I never saw him again.
On the topic of self-esteem, many men don’t have the self-confidence to choose a woman based upon her compatibility either. These types of chubby chasers often date large-sized women because they think she is sufficiently beneath them–it gives them a sense of superiority. Sometimes that superiority can take on the form of physical, emotional and verbal abuse. These men feel justified in abusing their lady because she’s not the type of woman who deserves respect. She’s only a fat girl, right!
I have had an experience with dating a man he took out his low self-esteem on me. Our courtship started with a bitter-sweet complement, “You’re a little bigger than the girls I usually date, but you’re really attractive. When he said that, I remember feeling my stomach drop. But I didn’t pay attention and just dismissed it as a poorly worded compliment. After a few months of dating, I realized his way of addressing his own short comings would result in attacking my body. He would often inform me that he should be with someone better than me—after all, he was a runner, he was fit (his words), and then he would cry—not just about the fact that he was reduced to dating a fat girl, but that his life was not what he wanted it to be…working for minimum wage at Dairy Queen, sleeping on the floor of his friends living room, no car, no future and he was dating a fat girl. Wow, what a loser! While I would sit patiently listening to him, he would berate me by saying—“No offense to you, but I should be able to get a thin woman. I only had to hear him lament this phrase about 10 more times before I got it. He was a loser and it had nothing to do with me. Move on girl. My take away…pay attention to your body messages—you know that sinking stomach! Sometimes it’s smarter than you are in the moment.
These types of guys don’t start off abusive or manipulative though. They usually are very flirtatious, attentive, loving and affectionate. If a large-sized woman is not used to this kind of attention from a partner it is quite persuasive. These men can spot a woman with low self-esteem and they are attracted to us and know exactly how to play the game and what to say to get us to trust and love them. Then, months or years later they find themselves trying to keep this man pleased. In the past he had used her body and the words he directed towards it as a sexy lure. Now her body had become a target of attack. Beautiful, hot, voluptuous and full-figured have been replaced by Fat ass, ugly, whale, and hog’s gut. Not very endearing.
The answer to this problem is that when confronted with these types of predatory men, the big girl has to pick her self-esteem up from the floor, get away from the Chubby Chaser—no matter how much he chases her—and find claim her worthiness as a woman, a large size woman and most importantly, a human being.
Love and the Big Girl: The Right Catch or Throw HIM Back?
So, is there any validity in a man who says that he is attracted to large-sized women? Absolutely. Some men are just naturally attracted to the full flavored curve of a big girl, just like others are attracted to thin women, or dark skin or blondes of long legs, or small breasts. It is a preference that is based upon an attraction that is born from an honest desire for these features.
But a person’s attraction to large-sized women ( or people of any size, race or feature, for that matter)should not be exclusionary. There are so many beautiful, amazing people in the world—keeping our mind open, keeps the possibilities open. In my previous dating life, I was actually more attracted to men who said they dated women of all sizes, as opposed to those who date only big girls. A man who dates women of all sizes is generally focused on the quality and character of a woman—not solely the look of her body, hair, skin or whatever…. The man who says he dates exclusively large women might seem more tempting because he feels more safe—not as likely to reject you based on physical appearance. But the non-specific guy is saying he wants to know who you are first—ultimately that should be your target—a man who is attracted to all of you—inside and out. Bodies can change. Character is forever (in most cases).
So, is there ever a time when a man can say he’s solely attracted to large sized women and it’s not a red flag to run for the hills? Of course. Some men (and women) identify as Fat Admirers.
They have rejected the Chubby Chaser game and settled into an acceptance that they are particularly attracted to larger sized people. That is their love preference and their intentions are pure and focused on having a mutually gratifying relationship .
But it’s important to make sure you are involved with someone who has positive intentions versus someone who in the hunt for a conquest. Listen carefully to what he says and how he says it. His commentary about your body should be focused on just that—your body and it’s beauty—not an indictment against thin women or an anthem two big women. Be cautious of men who make comments such as:
I date big girls because…
- Skinny women are too self-centered
- Big girls know how to treat their man
- Skinny women cheat on you
- Big girls are faithful
- Skinny women eat rabbit food
- Big girls know how to cook
- Skinny girls are too timid in bed
- Big girls have more cushion for the pushin’
All of these types of comments eroticize the large size woman and trivialize the thin woman. Anytime a man puts down other women as a way to complement you, you should be wary. If he would do and say those things about another woman, he will eventually do it to you. Look for a man who has respect for women in general—not just the woman he is dating at the time.
When to Stop Running, Settle In and Enjoy…
So, now I’m married to a man who made it plain that he tends to date larger women. He told me this during one of our first conversation after I told him I was a larger-sized woman. At first I was a little curious about his choice to make it an announcement that he dated large women as a preference. But then I listed to his reasons—He said, “All of the really beautiful and powerful women in my life and family had been large-sized women—with the exception of my mother and sister who are beautiful smaller sized women”. That act of equating power and beauty to a woman was all I needed to give the relationship a temporary green light. But I didn’t give in that quick; I kept listening and observing during the early dating courtship tenure of our relationship—looking for signs of disrespect and character conflict. I found none. So, I let it go, let my heart flow and 7 years later we are still together. And there are plenty of other couples who have found love regardless of their body size. the media makes it seem like finding and keeping love is not possible when you are large. Don’t believe the anti-hype!
Now, I can say I’m a happily married woman who has found love with a partner who loves, appreciates and respects her for who am I am, not just what I look like. I know that whether I gain, lose or maintain my size, we are connected based upon common interests, values and respect. And , even though he has a particular interest in big girls, he’s not a Chubby Chaser….he’s an Anissa Chaser. I like the sound of that.
Ultimately we all want to be loved—for ourselves, regardless of what we look like. We all want to be the best version of ourselves. We all want passion, acceptance, appreciation and respect from those we choose to love.
The most effective way to get to those goals is self-love and appreciation. I know it’s a message we hear every day, but it really is the most important path to get to our best selves and the person who is best for us. Self-reflection is a major part of that process. If you can see yourself—flaws and all—someone else will, and they may find a way to manipulate what you can’t see, or refuse to see. Don’t be coerced into something that is unhealthy for you based upon promises and sweet talk. In the crazy world of dating, search for the healthy choice, not just the one that satisfies a craving. Find the one person that offers the most nutrition—for your mind, body, heart and soul…and let him catch you.
If you would like to talk with someone about the quality of your relationships, give me a call. abundantbodycoach.com
The Runner
Disclaimer (kinda): All opinions expressed are the sole perspective of the little fat black girl. Every person is different and this blog is not an indictment of all men(or women). It’s simply a perspective based upon personal experience. Also, although these examples generally use the masculine pronoun (he) they can be applied to women also. Enjoy and apply gently to your own life–if it applies.
Don’t Date This One: The Runner
Common Things He Will Say:
“I care about you, but…”
Things You are Most Likely to Say to The Runner:
“What Do You Want?”
Feelings You will Have While Dating the Runner:
I can’t seem to get him to stick around—He disappears only to return when it’s convenient for him or if I happen to catch him.
General Description:
Generally there are two types of runners: The Early Runner and The Committed Runner.
The Early Runner
He’s just not that into you. The early runner is the type of guy who will make a strong showing early on—making you think he would be a good choice to go deeper with. You have a great night or two, a romantic kiss or two and you are looking for him to call—but the call never comes. Or you might be taking the initiative in the pursuit process—you’ve left several messages but he doesn’t return your calls—if he does, it’s days later. The early runner has not intention of staying around. He might decide to call you every now and then for “midnight connection.” But he’s not worth the time and effort, unless you have decided that you want to just have fun with him. The early runner is usually a pretty fun guy to hang around with. But don’t get so comfortable that you think it might develop into something more, because most likely it will not. Unless he is a Committed Runner…
The Committed Runner:
This guy shows all of the signs of a commitment. You date, exchange love vows set a date and then he doesn’t show up. What happened?
The runner is afraid of commitment—short term and/or long-term. Initially, he might think he’s ready, but as a commitment becomes reality he starts feeling trapped—wondering if he’s making a mistake. Oftentimes, Runners are too fearful to be honest with their feelings and be up front with you, so they string you along until it becomes painful for you and him to part amicably. You feel as if he has lied to you, and he feels as if he just couldn’t tell you the truth for fear of your anger or pain–which he would have to deal with. Runners don’t like to deal with emotion.
Strangely enough although they are afraid of commitment they are often committed to other things or people—past partners, sports, job, family, friends etc.. They often are influenced by these other forces to detach from you “My friend don’t like you!”. The temptation may be for you to blame the outside forces, but note—The Runner often looks for ways out of the situation with you—so that they are the one to have to make a choice to leave—they may blame it on others–but it’s really them.
My Personal Experience with a Runner:
My experience with Runners has been vast. One particular runner has become legend in my life. He was very successful man in his career. But strangely enough, he still lived with his mother in her basement. Anyway we had great chemistry, fantastic conversation, and intellectual compatibility. And we were very attracted to each other. Whenever we talked, it was for hours! But it was also usually during a time when he was available—late at night—after his mom went to sleep (red alert! red alert!). We always met in public, or at my house—never at his. His mother would not approve (as he often told me apologetically). I suppose it had to do with our racial differences—me being the little fat black girl that I am (but grown up of course) and he being a 40-year-old white male at the time.
Then one day, out of the blue, he said a woman he had once dated had come back into the picture and he was conflicted over whether he should continue to date me, or return to her.
What? What!
So I told him “follow your heart!” So he did and he married her a year later…and divorced her five years later. However, during that time he would often contact me—check for a pulse seeing if there was still an opening for him in case he should decide to return (I suspect the times he would check in with me were the times he was running from her—Runners usually have to have something or someone else to run to in order to make a decision to leave the relationship). This guy was running from a successful relationship with me to one with a woman who was probably safer for his emotions and lifestyle—at the behest of his mother—but ultimately it was his choice to run. I guess at least he told me he was leaving up front. I think he wanted me to put up a fight to keep him…but I wasn’t interested in a fight.
Note: When dealing with a runner, don’t pursue—I repeat don’t pursue. That will make them run even faster. They are like feral cats—it’s not safe to corner them–you might get a bit!
Instead, Date This one…
Find a potential partner who is open and honest about his feelings. You should not have to talk him into spending time with you, making commitments, or forming a partnership. If you do make a habit of pressuring him/her into decisions, you might need to ask yourself about your own power and control issues. A healthy relationship is one where both partners are openly committed and without coercion.
Your Affirmation:
I deserve to have someone in my life that is happy and willing to have a fulfilling relationship with me. I am worth the commitment. I expect a commitment. I won’t settle for less—but only with an equally willing partner.
Are you looking to make positive changes
in your dating, love life or marriage?
Contact me and let’s talk. Abundantbodycoach.com
The Chaser
Disclaimer (kinda): All opinions expressed are the sole perspective of the little fat black girl. Every person is different and this blog is not an indictment of all men(or women). It’s simply a perspective based upon personal experience. Also, although these examples generally use the masculine pronoun (he) they can be applied to women also. Enjoy and apply gently to your own life–if it applies.
Don’t Date This One: The Chaser 
Common Things He Will Say:
“I don’t think this is going to work out…”
Things You are Most Likely to Say to the Closer:
“What Happened?”
Feelings You will have While Dating the Chaser:
Did I do something wrong? What happened? It was perfect and now nothing. What did I do?!
General Description:
The Chaser is Prince Charming on the outside, and your worst critic on the inside. He is the guy who will pursue you aggressively. He puts every effort into helping you realize that he just might be the one, the ideal, that perfect match. He shows up with flowers, takes you to the best restaurants, buys you amazing, expensive, sentimental gifts. This is the type of man who wants to make plans for cruises, go house shopping on a date (just to see if your tastes jive with each other) invites you to meet his friends and family early on and wants to talk lots of pictures together as a couple.He calls when he says he will, spends time over your house and invites you to his.
Wow! This one seems like he is for real. Okay…what could be wrong with this guy?
Well, the answer is –just one day he will will disappear–with very little or no explanation. What happened? You call him. He is cold and distant. He says he’s been busy. He says he’ll call later. He doesn’t. Now the shoe is on the other foot–early on he pursued you, and now you are chasing him.
You question your own actions: What did you do?
The answer is nothing.
Well actually, for The Chaser, it’s something, but they won’t likely tell you. It’s probably very important–to them. You didn’t say the right thing at a party when he introduced you to his friends… or he didn’t like the shoes you picked to wear to go out with him to that romantic restaurant. Maybe you don’t cook enough for his liking, or you didn’t pick the right wine. Get the point? You were his Perfect Partner …until you weren’t anymore.
The Chaser loves the chase. They also love chasing their ideal of the perfect person and when you fall short, their image of you shatters and you are no longer the perfect person for their concept of the ideal relationship. Chasers are in love with the perfect concept of a relationship and they have very high expectations for their partners. The problem is, they don’t often clearly tell that partner what they expect, or if they do, they have little patience for the partner’s failure to quickly fall in line with that expectation.There’s nothing wrong with someone changing their mind about dating, but the problem is the Chaser often doesn’t communicate their issue with you–giving you the opportunity to decide is you want to address their concern. After all, a healthy relationship is about communication, compromise and adjustments.
My Personal Experience with a Chaser:
My experience with a Chaser is through other people. (I rarely attract Chasers), however my friend had a very frustrating experience with a Chaser, which I will relate here.
This gentleman was talk, dark, handsome, accomplished, poised and successful. Initially my friend didn’t want to date him. She wanted to just spend some time alone after just getting out of a previous relationship. But this prince charming pursued her with flirting, complements, and taunts admonishing that “Women never notice a good man when he’s standing right in front of her.”
After months of relentless, but admittedly intriguing cajoling from this gentleman, she decided to “check him out.” He did and said everything right for about the first year of their relationship. They made plans to travel to Europe together– maybe with the possibility of looking into buying a summer home together. He even asked her what she thought about destination weddings! She traveled with him to visit his family for Christmas. It was a wonderful meeting. His family was warm and welcoming. As they traveled home, she noticed he was a bit quiet and distant, but she figured it was holiday overstimulation.
When they returned home she didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, so she called him. Once again, cold an distant– avoidant. After several weeks of this behavior, she was anxious to understand what had made her prince charming go so frog-like all of a sudden. So she asked him point blank—did I do something? Are you okay? He hemmed about for a minute, but finally admitted that he had been thinking that “This thing between us is just not going to work out.” She was devastated. She pressed him to offer some sort of explanation! He simply said, he didn’t think they were really meant for each other. That’s it. They really never spoke again. She saw him occasionally around town and he always seemed to be “deeply in love” with whatever woman he was with at the time. But they were always different women.
I bet you were hoping for some sort of answer, explanation or reason for the breakup. I could quote one or more of my friend’s monthly epiphanies on the downfall of her relationship with prince charming—”I think I laughed at a joke his mom told about him as a child at the Christmas visit”….”I forgot to thank him for the amazing pastry he brought me for breakfast”….”I didn’t tell him how cute he looked in that bow tie”….”I told him I loved him too much”…and the list goes on.
The real reason he broke up with her…who knows, who cares? Even if he told her, and she corrected whatever injustice he felt had been delivered, he would have eventually found something else she was lacking.
Instead Date This One…
Find a partner who is imperfect—yes, I said it. An imperfect partner will be perfect for you. Additionally, expect imperfection from yourself and fly it like a badge of honor. We can never be perfect—so there is no sense in trying. Just work on being your most authentic, introspective and reflective self. Love yourself unconditionally and you will attract the same. Look at the character of the individual. Are they a person of their word? Are they kind? Are they consistent? Are they forgiving of others and of themselves? These are all perfect characteristics for the imperfect partner who may prove perfect for you.
Your Affirmation:
I attract what I release into the universe. I expect someone will see and love me for my amazing-ness and my faults. I deserve someone who will be a part of my growth, and invite me to be a part of theirs. I want someone to grow love with. It’s out there. I will find it, nurture it, and respect the lessons I learn from that relationship–even if it does not last forever.
Are you looking to make positive changes
in your dating, love life or marriage?
Contact me and let’s talk. Abundantbodycoach.com
The Useler
Disclaimer(kinda): All opinions expressed are the sole perspective of the little fat black girl. Every person is different and this blog is not an indictment of all men(or women). It’s simply a perspective based upon personal experience. Also, although these examples generally use the masculine pronoun (he) they can be applied to women also. Enjoy and apply gently to your own life–if it applies.
The Useler
(a user and a looser)
Common things he will say:
“Is there any way you can help me out (financially) until…?”
Things you are most like to say to the The Useler:
“Why am I always paying for everything?”
Feelings you will have while dating the UseLer:
I feel Like I’m being taken advantage of. It’s like he needs ME to stand on his own two feet. Are I with an adult or a child?
General Description:
Note: These guys tend to prey on single moms—particularly those who receive some sort of public assistance—which equates to a free ride for him.
The Useler is one who always seems to know how to get his foot in the door to do a lot of damage by using, taking, manipulating and riding your back for all it’s worth.
The Usler often seems charming when you first meet them—they know what to say to you to bring a smile to your face, they complement you, call when they say they are going to call, and follow through on every commitment every other man has broken.
You feel that maybe you have finally met “the one”—well, okay, so he doesn’t have a car. Okay, yeah he lives with his mom/ roommate/sister/friend—but that’s just because he is looking for a better place. And he did have a job—when you met him, but now he lost that job (one to two weeks or so after he met you), and can’t seem to find another one that will pay him what “he’s worth”. That’s were you come in…
In the meantime, he has you to take him places (or he may have a car, but “do you have some gas money?”), pay for dinner (he’ll catch the next one), take over half his part of the rent/utilities (yes, you let him move in—you guys needed your privacy, right? Or did he come over, and then just never left?), pay the bill/dept or simply just pick up a pack of cigarettes.
My Personal Experience with a Useler:
Speaking of Cigarettes, that was the red flag for me. I had met a pretty nice looking guy at a club when I was in college. He pursued me more than any man I had met before. He hung out with me the entire night and told me how much he wanted to see me again at the end of the evening. He even called me that night to see if I made it home safely.
The next weekend I went to visit him at his house, which he said he shared with his sister. I ended up staying over! Well, around 1:00am his sister bursts into the room to remind him that no women are allowed to stay over in HER house (so I guess they weren’t roommates, he was a boarder). He ended up coming back to my place (his sister was too hostile for him to stay there that night, of course!)
In the morning, when I was getting dressed to go to school—he was just going to stay and hang out in my place until I got home and drove him back to his place—his sister’s place–he asked, “Hey, while you’re out, can you pick me up a pack of cigarettes?”
I looked back at him, lounging on my couch already making himself comfortable.
“Sure,” I said.
I was already making a commitment to drop him off today and put a period behind this budding relationship. Which I did. After returning from school I promptly dropped him off at his front door. As he walked away, I saw him open my goodbye gift to him—a new package of cigarettes.
Instead: Date a Man Who Gives What he gets.
You shouldn’t expect a man to pay for and take care of everything (we are living in the year 2014, after all!) but you should expect for him to carry his own weight, and offer to pay more often than he doesn’t. You should feel like you’re in a balanced relationship—sometimes you’re paying and balancing the weight—other times he’s doing it. But you should feel like you have a partnership—one of give, take and negotiation for both of you.
Your Affirmation:
I can expect a man to have whatever I have. I have a car—he should have a car (it doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to move). I have my own home—he should have his own home (or at least if he is staying with someone, he is carrying his own side of the bills). I have a job—he should have a job– and be able to keep one.
If he’s missing one of these attachments, that may be okay, but it it’s more than that, I will drop him off on the curb where I picked him up!
Are you struggling with a difficult relationship?
Do you need support, advice or just someone to listen.
Contact me. Abundantbodycoach.com
The Closer
Disclaimer(kinda): All opinions expressed are the sole perspective of the little fat black girl. Every person is different and this blog is not an indictment of all men(or women). It’s simply a perspective based upon personal experience. Also, although these examples generally use the masculine pronoun (he) they can be applied to women also. Enjoy and apply gently to your own life–if it applies.
The Closer 
He appears and disappears
when it’s convenient for him.
Common Things He Will say:
“I’ll call you later because I really want to spend some time together” (but he doesn’t)
Things You are most Likely to Say to The Closer:
“I feel like you keep giving me mixed messages? One day you want me, the next you don’t. Why are you so closed? Why won’t you let me in?”
Feelings You Will have while Dating the Closer:
I feel like there is something there between us (a potential relationship love etc) but I can’t figure out what he’s feeling—even if he says it. I feel like I get mixed message.
General Description:
The Closer will usually appear initially open and interested in spending time with you. They will display a façade of a desire to be connected to you. But eventually, they will become more distant and difficult to connect with. However, instead of their distance being caused by a lack of interest such as the Runner (to be discussed in a future blog), whenever you ask them straight up—are you interested or do you want to break up they will act as if they are totally interested in pursuing or continuing a relationship with you. Once again they will show initial interest after you question them about their intentions but then they will slowly disappear.
My Personal Experience with a Closer:
The Closers is probably the man I have had the most common relationship with in my dating life. I blame it on the relationship with my father. He always seemed to say to me that I was the most important person in his life—but then he would stay out all night with other women, or friends or just doing whatever he did at night—and wouldn’t come home to me and my mother. When he returned though it would always be like he missed me so much and then we would have lots of fun together until the next disappearance.
My personal experience was with a big guy who emerged from his car like one of those clowns at a circle who has been stuffed into a tiny vehicle and poof! He carried a bouquet of flowers for me. How nice. He was a mental health therapist so I knew he was in touch with his feelings right? Wrong. It was really difficult to get this man to open up about anything. He could sit in silence with me for hours. Any attempts to have conversations with him about our relationship, our future together or anything in his past was met with resistance, silence or him physically getting up to leave—after which I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks.
I would call his phone (this is when people still did that) and would always get his answering machine. I was always shocked when he would actually answer the phone and act like he had been meaning to call me but…he’d been so busy, he had a family emergency, couldn’t find my phone number, car broke down etc…We’d always make plans to get together and he would –as charming as ever—until the next time I would try to open up the safe that was his mind.
Finally I’d had enough—I just never called him again—which unfortunately has the opposite affect on the closer—then they want to pursue you! But I had been through enough of those cycles to leave well enough alone—and him. I see and hear from him from time to time, but this time I have learned to keep my distance.
Instead: Date a Man who Follows Through on his word.
If he says he will do something, he does it, and if he can’t he will give you an explanation, cancel or make a time to connect with you in the future– and he will keep his promise. He asserts his integrity not only with you, but with others. You come to know that if he says he will do something, he will do it.
Your Affirmation:
I deserve someone who will respect the time, love and attention I have to give. He will show that respect by following through on his commitments and making me a significant item on his “TO DO” List (and I don’t mean just for sex).
Are you looking to make positive changes
in your dating, love life or marriage?
Little Fat Black Girl 